Most people want to get married and at some point, they decide that they’ll commit. But, as a thirty-seven year happily married woman who has counseled unhappy couples, here’s what I’ve learned. When it comes to marriage and life, commitment is great. But preparation is where it’s at. I want you to be happy, too. So, I’m passing along what I know about how to prepare for marriage.
Racing taught me this lesson early. My husband, Bobby Martin, and I formed a professional Top Alcohol Funny Car drag racing operation in 1991, culminating in an NHRA US Nationals Championship, a Division 3 Season Championship, and a national Top 10 ranking. Our race car covers the quarter-mile in 5 seconds, but the preparation that we put in before we get to the track? Countless hours and sweat. Then after every run, the crew tears the car apart and puts it all back together just to do it all over again.
Bobby has a strict regimen when he drives. Everyone who knows him knows that he loves to eat. He’s not a big man (a typical driver), but he can out-eat men twice his size! Hahaaaa! But on race day? It’s water and chicken lettuce wraps. No carbs, caffeine nor sugar. He says that he wants to feel hungry. No matter the number of times he’s raced at a track, he walks it from starting line to sand trap studying it closely. Every day of the race, he sits in the car and progresses through his driving routine. Start the car. Aim it. Perform the burnout. Back it up. Stage the car. Swap feet. Win. Hit the parachutes. Turn the corner. Stop the car. Then he does it again. And again. And again.
The same is true for relationships. Preparing for marriage is how you win.
If you’re single and want to get married, by all means, enjoy your singleness! But, while doing so, you can prepare for marriage. I’m giving you some hints. You don’t have to do all of them. Just try one! And no matter what your relationship status, these things you do for yourself will prepare you for a better life. And, who doesn’t want that?
Your relationship will never be healthier than you.
Do you have hurts, hang-ups, or habits you need to kick? These may not be your fault, but if you want to turn your life towards happiness, the people who hurt you likely can’t help you with this. But there are those who can. But you need to make that first move. Do it for your future spouse and children now. Seek out a counselor, a Pastor, or a support group. I have a lot of friends who’ve had success with Celebrate Recovery. It’s very inexpensive, accessible, and effective.
Put money in its place.
Money is the second-highest reason about which couples fight. More than half of couples enter their partnerships with debt, and 40 percent say that this financial burden has a negative impact on their relationships. In order to win in your marriage, why not educate yourself and start to get things in order? If you can budget your money now and control debt, you’ll be set going into marriage and ready when you make more. There are three aspects of money we consider: Giving, Saving, and Spending. In our marriage, the rule of thumb has always been to give 10%, save 10% and spend what’s left. We’ve never once fought about money in thirty-three years. I’ll share a link at the end about our philosophy on the not-so-mighty dollar that has worked for us.
Make a list of your future spouse’s characteristics.
A person’s characteristics are qualities that identify who they are. I’m listing this because I didn’t do it. I thought about it; I even prayed about it. But I wish someone had told me to write it down. Endorphins kicked in, I was so over the moon for a guy – and I made a poor choice. I would focus on things other than physical because you already know those things. Think deeper. Who should this person be for you to want to love them for the rest of your life? Kindness? Humor? Wisdom? Will they be a good father or mother? Godliness? (This last trait is wayyy sexier than you might think. It just means that they have all of the other traits I said.) Keep the list and when the endorphins kick in, look at the list to keep you on track.
Respect yourself.
OK, Guys. This part’s for the women. But you can eavesdrop.
A couple of weeks ago, I wanted to write something fun for you. It was something along the lines of “cute texts for him.” I needed a jumpstart, so I sought inspiration online. What? WHAT? Now, the reason my blog is named HeyGetARoom.net is because of the many times people have said that phrase to my husband and me. So, understand who you’re talkin’ to. 🙂
But, the advice I saw, meant for you to send to a guy you’ve just met? Eye roll. Major eye roll. Most examples I saw either sounded 1) desperate or 2) desperate and trampy.
My dear friend, you are not desperate. You are beautiful, strong, and have value. Read that again. Please see yourself as someone who is due respect and who takes yourself, your needs, and your feelings into account. Once you begin seeing yourself this way, others will too.
These texts seem cute, but think about what they say about you to a man who doesn’t even know you.
“You can’t text me first, but you can update your Facebook status every five minutes? I see how it is.”
He reads: I have zero going on in my life so I sit with eyes glued to Facebook obsessing about a man I don’t know. People who are living life to the fullest and are happy with themselves leave a lasting impression, and that’s all you need to attract those you want.
“Come over, I have all your favorites. Pizza, beer, and of course, ME.”
My husband gave me the Man Scoop on this. Men typically welcome this kind of invitation from women they barely know. But if women could hear what men say to each other about us when we do it – well, we wouldn’t do it. I know this opinion isn’t popular right now, but not all true things are popular. Part of being wise is learning to decipher the difference between the two.
Be faithful now.
Your future spouse is on this earth right now waiting for you. Yes, you haven’t met, but do you have intentions of being faithful to them when you do? Practice now. Treat the ones you’re dating with respect. And be faithful. If you think marriage will help you to stop cheating and start being faithful, that’s not true. You need to be that person now.
Learn about love languages
Gary Chapman, a pastor, author, and talk show host, wrote a book called “The Five Love Languages.” The premise is that there are different ways that people feel love. In order to make people you love feel your love, it makes sense to speak it in their language. My husband’s love language is Words of Affirmation, so I make sure that I encourage him often with my words. You can get it on Kindle or in paperback form for about 7 bucks.
Start communicating assertively.
Most corporate training lacks practicability, right? But there was one that has stuck with me all these years and helped me over and over. It was about communication styles. There are four communication styles: Passive (bad), Aggressive (bad), Passive-Aggressive (very bad), and Assertive (good!). Learning to communicate assertively will. change. your. life. There are lots of options about how to learn about it. Just Google!
Learn to extend grace and forgiveness. And the art of a good apology.
Wow, this one is perhaps the hardest thing to learn. Grace means giving someone an undeserved gift. So in relationships, it means letting things go, even when the other person is wrong. Every single thing doesn’t have to be A Thing. Conversely, offering an apology quickly and sincerely covers a multitude of sins. Living with someone 24/7 over many years guarantees conflict. Offering up grace or an apology will assure peace in your home. It’s priceless!
If you’ve read this far, you’re pretty serious about finding the right person. What a great start! I encourage you to continue to invest your time in becoming the person that ensures happiness for you and Your Forever One.
“Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.” 1st Corinthians 9:24
Here’s what I wrote on money.
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