Do It for the Love

My husband and I have been hosting sponsors at drag races for years. On one of these weekends, one businessman brought his wife. She watched Kyle tear apart the bottom end and check and replace bearings. She observed Mike take off the valve covers, check the pushrods, and set the valves. She kept her eye on Larry tearing apart, servicing and reassembling the sizzling hot clutch and me repacking the parachutes. She saw Bobby cleaning all of the oil & clutch dust from every inch of the car.

If you know anything about the sport of drag racing, you know that this work I’m talking about is done in between every five-second pass.  And that day, as I recall, we weren’t breaking anything, so to us it was a light work day even though we completed these tasks a few times that day and a lot of other tasks as well. The day was many hours long, and we were hot, dirty and sweaty at its end. That was day one of four days of racing. Her husband was enthralled with the process, and hung on every word and action the crew and driver made that day. He even pitched in to help. This woman was lovely and smart, she asked a lot of questions and we bonded. I really liked her. Suddenly, she looked at me and exclaimed “THIS IS TOO MUCH WORK!  Why in the world do you want to do this?!!!?? There are easier ways to make money!”

I threw back my head and laughed so hard. This was not the usual person-turned-giddy-at-the-sight-of-the-racecar response I was used to.  We laughed together, but I think secretly she thought I was a bit loony. See to her, it was all about a transaction. I put this much in and I get this much out. It just didn’t compute for her. Here’s what she didn’t understand. That’s not how true Racers think. Racing’s in our blood. We don’t do it for the glamour, the money or for anything else it can do for us. We do it because we love it.

I see this same push and pull within relationships. We say “I love you” but we keep score, even unintentionally.

• Have you ever negotiated anything like household chores with your partner?
• Have you ever found yourself thinking “I did this and this and this for him, and he can’t even do this one thing?”
• Do you have certain expectations of what role your partner should be playing in the relationship, for instance who cuts the grass versus who buys the groceries? Who works outside the home and who stays home with the kids?

I intended this post to be solely about how to share responsibilities. It’s a good topic. A practical topic. A needed topic. But when I think about how Bobby and I have made this work in our home, it’s not about negotiation nor reciprocity. It never has been about that.  Anyone can negotiate grass for groceries, but happy couples go deeper. It’s really about letting go of your expectations, submitting to one another and shifting your focus away from yourself. After this is understood and practiced, the rest is really easy. And the ironic thing is, both peoples’ needs are met in the best way possible.

A transactional relationship is one where both parties are in it for themselves, and where partners do things for each other with the expectation of reciprocation. Almost all relationships start here. People tend to date a person because of what they get out of it. I even recommend to people when choosing a spouse to make that decision analytically so they make the right choice.

Happy couples know that the true love relationship is not 50/50. It’s not equal. It’s not fair. The reason it is none of those things is because it’s not transactional. When we are living transactionally, we’re not relating to people, but rather to things. Moving outside of the transactional relationship means respecting, developing a rapport with, and demonstrating true love to the other person. Those are the building blocks for the different, transformational type of a bond. In it, we suddenly find that we have influence and can change our relationship completely.

Just like the racing, Bobby and I serve one another because we love, not because of what we get from the other. Genuine concern for one another’s well-being is something that grew as the relationship progressed. But some relationships never get past the transactional stage. I suspect that many, if not the majority, of relationships ever do. I’ve fallen victim to this myself. There are times when I’ve done something for Bobby and expected something in return. But there’s a deeper foundation that some relationships reach, where people do things for each other just to make the other person happy. I truly believe that some relationships transcend selfishness, and reach a place where both partners are happy in large part because the other partner is happy. So, how do you get there?

It’s always your turn.

I learned this saying from my husband and he lives it. Don’t wait for your partner to do it first. Or for them to deserve it. You be the one to get this going in the direction it needs to go.

Stop keeping score.

Start seeing things from the other person’s point of view. Start communicating. Do things for them.  Stop expecting. Don’t hold them hostage until they meet your expectations. Just do.

A place to start

I don’t remember ever having a discussion about who was going to do what in our home. It just happened I think because we just never treated the relationship as a transaction. But let me explain how it works for us. I’m not suggesting that you do things the same, just trying to provide how it’s evolved in our home.

1. We do the things we like to do. Bobby likes to be outside, especially in the summer. And the hotter it is, the better. He likes to cut the grass on his John Deere while surveying his kingdom. And he likes to wash his car while looking lovingly at the lovely paint. LOL. Sooooo, he cuts the grass and washes the cars.
2. We tend to take care of the things the other hates or is not gifted to do. I hate everything about doing laundry. Bobby does all the laundry except my clothes. That means all of his laundry and all of the sheets and towels. However, he cannot fold anything to save his life. I do that. That’s also why I fold and pack the parachutes on the race car, by the way. Bobby never learned to cook and doesn’t really care to learn. I’m a foodie and love everything about planning for, shopping for and cooking a meal. I do that.
3. For the rest, sometimes we share and sometimes one person does them. For instance, who likes to do taxes? No one. Bleh. So, it depends on what’s going on that year. Have we let it go until the last possible minute? Um…usually, so it falls to whomever can eke out a few hours riiiight before our appointment. When Bobby has had more flexible time in his schedule, it was all him for a few years. Other times it was all me. This year, we did everything together. How about cleaning the house? We share it. Somehow or another it’s turned out that Bobby usually cleans the toilets & sinks. I usually do the hard floors and mirrors. He always vacuums. I haven’t touched the vacuum cleaner in 30 years. I don’t even know why that is. It just is. I usually…you get the picture. It just happened, and we go with it. But, we don’t hesitate to do something the other does if it hasn’t been done in a while and nobody fights about it. Whatever works.

One of my favorite pastors, Andy Stanley, sums it up better than I ever could.

“Happy couples decide they owe each other everything but are owed nothing in return. Christianity isn’t about getting what we deserve or giving to others what they deserve. It’s about getting what we don’t deserve and doing for others what was done for us. That reduces marriage to a submission competition—a race to the back of the line.”