It’s an Emergency: Why Nagging is Causing Destruction in Your Relationship

 I work for a Facilities Management Company.  Very large corporations, hospitals and universities trust us to manage everything related to their buildings. When a leak is reported, we treat it as an emergency no matter the intensity. We know that even the slow, steady drip of a tiny leak can cause destruction.

Nagging acts just like a leak in relationships.   Its constant and persistent drip slowly and steadily destroys intimacy. And, for all that it costs, it doesn’t yield much. You may get what you want in the short term because you asked for it long enough and loud enough. But in the end, you can’t force through lasting change. What are we really gaining?

So, let’s be honest and admit that we women are usually the naggers in the relationship. I know, I know. But it’s true, right?

Over the years in my and others’ lives,  I have observed that it is a vicious cycle. Fussing and nagging from you does not put him into a giving mood.  When you come in with gloves up, he goes into fight or flight mode.  And the more he starves you of what you want, the more you nag. And the more you continue the nagging, the more emotional distance is created in your relationship.  There is plenty of blame to go around, but if you care about the relationship, you can do something about it and stop the senseless spiral downwards.

Everyone is different, so the remedies are as varied as there are couples.  The best thing to do is just talk about it. A friend at work was recently expressing his frustration concerning his wife’s nagging. He said that he just wants thirty minutes when he gets home from work before being asked to do something. It makes him feel pressured and annoyed otherwise.  He also said that he could get things done more efficiently if he had a list and was trusted to prioritize that list according to his schedule. I asked him if he had spoken to his wife about this. He had not. Sounds like the beginning of a productive conversation to me.

My husband has shared that when I tell him a need, he puts it on his schedule and prioritizes it against all of the other things there. He says that just because it isn’t done doesn’t mean that he’s forgotten.  When I nag him, it feels like I think he’s either ignoring me or he doesn’t think my need is important. Or worse, that he’s too stupid to remember it.  He says that whether I mean it or not, he feels disrespect from me when I nag. For the most part, we have worked this out in our relationship. I have gotten better at not nagging and he has gotten better at communicating his timetable.  

But, here’s the most important thing we’ve both learned. What we have in each other easily trumps the importance of these everyday items of life. And ARE NOT worth sacrificing our peace.

Now, that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t talk about how to manage them together, especially at the beginning when we’re creating the blueprint for future interactions. Because how we manage these everyday things – the back and forth of it – talks to our partner about our Respect and Love for them more than any words can. 

Back to my friend. I suggested he talk to his wife about it. It works best to be kind and direct and ask for what you want. Get to the heart of the matter. How does it make you feel when he doesn’t help around the house – unloved perhaps? How does it make you feel when she nags – disrespected? It may not go well this first time as you are working to break habits. That’s OK. That happened to us, too. Just work to make some progress this time and the next.

Many years ago when my husband and I were dating, I was frustrated by his lack of affection toward me.  It started on our first date. The whole night, he kept me guessing about if he was even into me or not. Our long-standing joke is that my Car Guy only became interested after the date when he walked me to the back door, saw the ’64 Chevy Impala SS Convertible in the drive, and realized that it was mine. Ha!  As time went on, I was seeing other boyfriends sending cards and flowers to their girls and holding their hands and such. I wasn’t getting any of that and I was hurt by it.

I was pretty prideful and didn’t think I should have to ask for these things. My communication style back then leaned heavily toward passive-aggressive. Neither of these made it easy for my boyfriend to know how to please me. Somehow, I put on my big girl panties and calmly and directly asked him for a card now and again. Then, I said nothing else. The shutting up part was smart, but honestly, this had more to do with my bigger-than-a-house pride than me being too wise to nag.

A few weeks later, he showed up with a card. It had some nice words in it. I choked out as positive a thank you as I could muster.  I really wasn’t that thankful though because I thought he should have done it without me asking. I’m ashamed of this now.  But over time, I started asking for what I wanted in as nice of a way as I could. And, I started enthusiastically thanking him for responding. And, oh, he kept responding…

I learned something really important that has stuck with me all these years. I learned that all along, he wanted to do the right thing, but he really didn’t know how. I should have given him the benefit of the doubt because he has always had my best interest at heart.  This worked out quite well by the way. Here I am writing on my site called “Hey Get a Room,” named for all the times friends have said that to us because of our great affection and love for one another.  What a long way we’ve come! Here’s where I talk about how that happened.

Years later for our 29th wedding anniversary, Bobby gave me this card and we both laughed so, so hard.

We learned this lesson quite early on, thank God. Debbie Wilkins Baisden didn’t.  At least not as early on as she would have liked. In her article “Stop Being a Butthole Wife”, she offers the strongest argument I have ever heard against nagging.  It’s heartbreaking. And something we all – you – need to heed. Here is an excerpt:

 ‘I was a butthole wife.  Until my husband died.

The day my husband left earth for heaven, all of my marriage problems vanished.  There was no one to fuss at, negotiate with, or play possum at bedtime (you know, when you pretend you’re asleep to bypass sex). 

Marriage is designed to be a reflection of Christ’s love for His people.  It’s supposed to be beautifully harmonious and intimate.  How often I screwed that up with bickering and manipulating.  I wanted a perfect husband who acted how I wanted, and if that didn’t happen, well, butthole wife was in full effect.  If only he could understand how right I was and how wrong he’d always be.  I needed to instruct him, question him, and remind him of his shortcomings.  After all, I was his “helpmate.”

The reality is, I wasn’t helping him or our marriage.   By pointing out each fault, I was poisoning the relationship.  Oh, it was still a good marriage and we deeply loved each other, but it was not what it could have been.  And now it was too late.

Days after his funeral, I stared at our dirty clothes basket that sat atop our dryer, knowing his clothes were inside.  I sighed so deeply.   Before me was the last load of laundry I would ever wash for that sweet man.  There would be no more dirty socks to pick up around the house.   Ever.

A week before I would have rolled my eyes at that basket.  But now, it held priceless treasures.  I waited weeks to wash those clothes.  My heart ached for dirty socks to once more be a part of my days.’

Enough said.  If you are seeing yourself in this story, it’s an emergency. Call the plumber.

Here’s more I wrote on the subject: Just Respect